The First Time I Fully Backed Myself
I had this memory come up the other day in the shower, which is where most of my self reflections take place.
I remembered the first time I properly invested in myself.
Not a business thing. Not a family decision. Just me.
And how hard that actually was.
Laid up, worn out, and running on nothing
It was after a serious farm accident in 2016.
I was laid up in the recovery chair for almost 18 months not able to fully weight bear.
I couldn’t even go to the loo on my own. I had to ask for help, and I couldn’t cook for myself.
At the time, I relied on my hubby, who was already flat out across four farms.
My eldest, at seventeen stepped in and the younger girls did their best to help.
Everyone pitched in, but I still felt like such a burden.
Most days, I chose two-minute noodles for lunch, because it was the simplest thing I could ask for.
I already felt guilty asking for everything else I needed.
My gut was a mess from long-term use of antibiotics, and I was really feeling it. (2 minute noodles don’t help heal your gut, let me give you the tip.)
A spark of hope and something different
One day I came across a new business in Devonport. Happy Biome - (Now Chris n Filly Functional Medicine)
Something about the way Filly spoke about a holistic approach to healing just landed.
I booked an appointment to line up with a specialist visit.
Richard waited in the car while I went in.
I remember walking into that appointment feeling so run down, so tired, and so ready to find a better way forward.
The way Filly explained Functional Medicine made sense.
It felt like the right path and like someone finally cared about my wellbeing as much as I did.
Then she told me the price.
The voice in my head and the one beside me
Instantly, this voice in my head kicked in.
Far out, Melissa. Here we are again. Everything you want is about money.
You don’t deserve that. That’s selfish.
That’s money your family needs.
You won’t follow through anyway.
I also knew I was going to have to pitch this to my husband.
I felt myself retract.
Get nervous.
Go into this over-justifying, over-explaining mind loop.
When I got into the car and told Richard the investment I was making, he said:
“Melissa. No. That’s so much money.
And you never follow through. You always give up on things.”
I cried.
Because the lack of worth I felt was being validated.
He didn’t mean it to be cruel. He was just saying what he saw.
But it hit hard. Because I already believed it.
That I wasn’t worth it.
That I was someone who starts things but doesn’t finish.
That if I couldn’t explain the return on investment, I didn’t deserve to say yes.
But you know what?
Something shifted that day
Because I said yes anyway.
Not because I had all the answers.
Not because I knew it would work.
But because I needed to do something different.
I needed to stop asking for permission.
Backing myself changed everything
That investment in me was the first time I properly backed myself and honestly, that changed everything.
The act of backing myself changed how I saw myself, and I think that’s the bit we don’t talk about enough.
It’s not always the program or the process or the person that changes your life.
It’s the moment you decide:
I’m allowed to matter here.
Not perfect but I owned it
I committed because of something I hadn’t done before.
I had finally made a significant investment in me.
Not the farm. Not the business. Not the family.
Just me.
I didn’t have the perfect pitch for my husband.
I didn’t even have a perfect reason why.
But it mattered to me.
I knew my future self would thank me for.
And once I did that, the why became clear: I mattered and so did what mattered to me.
And that commitment to myself.
That’s what helped me follow through.
That was the start of recognising how valuing yourself changes how you see yourself.
There’s no perfect moment to back yourself.
But there’s usually a quiet one.
If you’re in that space now, you don’t have to figure it out alone.
PS: You can listen to my recent Podcast conversation with Chris N Filly 9 years later HERE