When Triggers Talk: Listening Without Judging

Where the conversation started

This reflection was sparked during one of our EFF members monthly meet-ups. Our trainer, Joe Pane brought up a question that landed with both impact and clarity:

What would change if we replaced judgment with curiosity?

It struck me, not because it was a brand new insight (my own business coach reminds me of this regularly!) but because it hit at just the right moment. And it has stayed with me.

It got me thinking not just as my own role of being a support and coach for others, but as a woman who’s been through her own process of learning to listen- especially to the parts of me that used to be drowned out by judgment.

I know judgment well. Especially self-judgment

There was a time when I thought being critical of myself was just being grounded for others. But honestly? It was just another way I stayed stuck.

The voice sounded like:

“You should’ve handled that better, Melissa”

“You realise you're not as far ahead as you should be, right?”

“You always do this, what’s wrong with you?”

What I didn’t see at the time was that judgment wasn’t helping me grow. It was keeping me locked in a loop.

And then… projection

Once I started paying attention, I realised just how often I projected those judgments.
When someone flicked my metaphorical kettle, I assumed it was about them, but most of the time, it was something they heated up in me.

They hadn’t done anything wrong.
They simply stirred something within me I hadn’t looked at yet, something already simmering under the surface.

That’s what projection does. It turns our unresolved stuff into stories about others.
And it feeds a perpetuating cycle of reaction instead of reflection.

Curiosity breaks that cycle

Choosing curiosity over judgment changed everything.

Instead of the inner critic shaming with “What’s wrong with me?” I started asking:

“What’s this about?”

“Where have I felt this before?”

“Is this reaction about now or something from before?”

When I did that, things shifted:

I became less reactive

I cottoned on to old patterns before they took over

I gave myself more grace

I stopped projecting pain onto others

I grew stronger and softer at the same time

Curiosity helped me tune into what my triggers were actually trying to tell me, not shut them down or shame myself for having them.

This isn’t a finished lesson, it’s a continual practice

This self exploration business isn’t linear. I’m completely still in it!
And when I coach, facilitate or present, it’s not from a place of having it all well sorted, it’s from walking a path that looks a lot like the one my clients are on.

I see how judgment creeps in; subtly and loudly, especially for women who carry a lot on their shoulders, hold it all together for everyone else, and still expect more from themselves.

But judgment won’t get us there.

Curiosity will.

What this shift makes possible

When we lead with curiosity instead of judgment:

We give ourselves permission to trip or fumble and still move forward

We stop ripping bandaids off old wounds

We show up more present and less defensive

We deepen our self-awareness without self-attack

We stop needing to fix things and start leaning in

Our triggers stop being threats.
They become teachers.

Try this

Next time something or someone triggers you, pause.

Don’t rush to label it.
Instead, ask:

“What might this be showing me?”

“Am I projecting something here?”

“What part of me needs attention right now?”

You don’t need to fix everything the second you see it.
Just notice. Get curious. And give yourself room to consider it.

It may seem small, but it opens big doors.

Want to keep going?

If this resonated with you, I’d love to hear from you.
Whether you’re exploring this in your own facets of life and ever evolving identity, remember: This is work we don’t do alone.

Drop a comment, reach out, or feel free to bring this discussion into your next session with me.