The Wrong Way We’ve Been Told To Build Resilience

Last week in Canberra, during the AgriFutures Rural Women’s Award gathering, I found myself thinking about what resilience really means and how we’ve been getting it wrong.

Across those few days, I found myself in so many conversations with women from all over the country. Different stories, different backgrounds, but the same familiar truth underneath.

“I’m feeling absolutely exhausted.”
“I hit a point of burning out this year.”
“I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.”

These were raw and very real statements. Shared in hallways, over coffee, and around dinner tables.

It made me wonder - why do we keep pushing through?
What’s the story we tell ourselves that makes it feel like we don’t have any other choice?

The version of resilience we’ve been taught

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.. I call b*llsh*t on this..

We’ve been told to stay strong. Push through. Keep going, you’ve got this.

What if that version of resilience is the very thing that’s breaking us?

Since winning the RWA in 2023, I’ve returned each year to the Canberra events. Rooms full of fierce, capable women who give everything they have to their people, projects and businesses.

And each year, that quiet exhaustion seems more noticeable.

Recent reports show nearly three quarters of women have felt burnt out in the past year.
So this isn’t just happening inside our circles. It’s happening everywhere.

High functioning performance looks strong and it sounds capable.
But underneath, there’s a quiet cost and a silent suffering that many of us have learned to hide very well.

The real cost of pushing through

That version of resilience teaches us to say yes when we want to say no.
To keep going, even for the sake of everyone and everything else, when there’s barely anything left in the tank.

It drains us. It dulls our spark. It makes it harder to recognise who we are underneath all the doing. Over time, it erodes our sense of self and costs us the energy we need to lead and live well.

And eventually, the push catches up. A breakdown, a break-up, or a break to the body.

Why are we waiting for that rock-bottom point to pay attention to our needs?

The truth about resilience

Somewhere along the way, we’ve confused resilience with endurance.

But resilience was never meant to be the goal, it’s the byproduct.

It’s what grows when we lead ourselves well, honour our limits, and make space to recover before we hit breaking point.

The problem is, most of us were never taught that version.
We were taught that resilience meant coping, producing, and staying on, always ready for the next hit, no matter what.

What real resilience looks like

Real resilience is functional and sustainable.
It’s not about how much you can take before you break.

It’s about noticing when the cost has become too high and choosing to rest, reset, reflect, and realign before you go again.

It grows from emotional fitness and self-awareness, not self-sacrifice.

Because the kind of impact we want to make, in our families, our work, and our communities, doesn’t come from how much we can endure.

So next time you hear “just push through,” ask yourself:

Is this really resilience, or is it survival mode in disguise?

Because women like us deserve better.
We deserve to thrive, not just hold it together and that be the definition of personal success.

If this message hits home for you, or you’ve been questioning what resilience looks like in your world, I’d love to hear your thoughts HERE