The Wrong Way We’ve Been Told To Build Resilience

Last week in Canberra, during the AgriFutures Rural Women’s Award gathering, I found myself thinking about what resilience really means and how we’ve been getting it wrong.

Across those few days, I found myself in so many conversations with women from all over the country. Different stories, different backgrounds, but the same familiar truth underneath.

“I’m feeling absolutely exhausted.”
“I hit a point of burning out this year.”
“I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.”

These were raw and very real statements. Shared in hallways, over coffee, and around dinner tables.

It made me wonder - why do we keep pushing through?
What’s the story we tell ourselves that makes it feel like we don’t have any other choice?

The version of resilience we’ve been taught

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.. I call b*llsh*t on this..

We’ve been told to stay strong. Push through. Keep going no matter what.

What if that version of resilience is the very thing that’s breaking us?

Since winning the RWA in 2023, I’ve returned each year to the Canberra events. Rooms full of fierce, capable women who give everything they have to their people, projects and businesses.

And each year, that quiet exhaustion seems to be more noticeable.

Recent reports show nearly three quarters of women have felt burnt out in the past year.
So this isn’t just happening inside our circles. It’s happening everywhere.

Performance looks strong. It sounds capable.
But underneath, there’s a quiet cost and silent suffering that many of us have learned to hide well.

The real cost of pushing through

That version of resilience teaches us to say yes when we wish we could say no.
To keep going even when there’s very minimal to give.

It drains us. It dulls our spark. It makes it harder to recognise who we are underneath all the doing. And over time, it costs us the energy we need to lead and live well.

Then one day, it reaches a breaking point. A breakdown, a break-up, or a break to the body.

Why are we waiting for that rock-bottom point to pay attention?

The truth about resilience

We’ve made resilience the goal.

But resilience isn’t the goal, it’s the byproduct.

It’s what organically grows when we lead ourselves well, honour our limits, and make space to recover before we hit critical point.

The problem is, most of us were never taught that version.
We were taught that resilience meant coping, producing, and staying on and ready for the next hit, no matter what.

What real resilience looks like

Real resilience is functional and sustainable. It isn’t about how much you can take before you break.
It’s about noticing when the cost has become too high, and choosing to rest, reset, reflect, and realign before you go again.

It comes from emotional fitness, self-awareness, and never sacrificial.

Because the kind of impact we want to make - in our families, our work, and our communities doesn’t come from how much we can endure.

So next time you hear “just push through,” ask yourself:

Is this really resilience, or is it survival mode in disguise?

Because women like us deserve better. We deserve to thrive, not just hold it together and call that success.

If this message hits home for you, or you’ve been questioning what resilience looks like in your world, I’d love to hear your thoughts HERE