How To Notice The Patterns You Keep Repeating Without Judging Yourself For It

You don’t wake up one day and think, “I’ve got patterns.”

You think “I’ve got a problem”.

Something happens and you think: there it is again. I knew this would happen. Why am I like this?

And honestly, that’s usually the first sign you’re ready for a different chapter. Not because something is wrong with you. Just because you’re starting to see the repetition.

This isn’t a personality thing. It’s a default settings thing.

When I say “patterns”, I’m not talking about some big psychological concept. I mean the go to strategies you reach for automatically when life feels uncomfortable. The default settings you run, sometimes daily, without realising you’ve hit play.

Pressure does it. Uncertainty does it. Anything unfamiliar does it. A conversation you don’t want to have. A decision you keep procrastinating on. A moment where you feel exposed, judged, or like you might disappoint someone.

That’s usually when your old settings dust themselves off and jump straight into the driver’s seat.

If you’re craving a new chapter, you’re going to need updated strategies.

Because you can’t run a new season of life on the same old settings.

If your phone needed an update, you wouldn’t take it personally.

If your iOS system hasn’t been updated in ages, it starts to glitch. Battery drains faster. Apps freeze. Things stall.

Not because the phone is broken. It’s just running old software while the day to day keeps demanding more from it.

Most women are doing the same thing. Keeping everything going, but quietly wondering why it takes a lot more than it used to.

The first clue is the moment you shift.

You know that feeling when something happens and you can feel it in your body before your brain even catches up? Like you get a message and suddenly you’re on. Or someone asks you something and you feel put on the spot. Or a conversation starts heading somewhere you don’t want it to go. Or someone’s mood changes and you immediately start trying to steer it in another direction.

That shift is the moment to pay attention to.

Not to fix it. Just to notice it.

Right after that shift, you’ll do your usual move.

Maybe you over explain. Maybe you take control. Maybe you say yes when you mean no. Maybe you rush in to fix. Maybe you go quiet and handle it alone. Maybe you get busy so you don’t have to feel what you’re feeling. Maybe you start reading the rulebook in your head on replay, or try to find the ‘right’ way so there’s less chance of being criticised.

Most of us have a handful of these. We rotate them depending on the situation. And they’re usually brilliant strategies, until they aren’t.

Your self talk gives it away.

It’s the little one liners that run in the background, like a top 10 soundtrack you’ve heard so many times you don’t even notice it anymore.

I have to.
It’s easier if I just do it myself.
Don’t make a big deal.
It’s fine.
Don’t worry about me.
That’s just how I am.
This is just how it is.

Those aren’t just thoughts. They’re instructions. Unwritten ground rules you’ve been living by.

This is where women start judging themselves. Don’t. Scratch the record instead.

I’m hopeless. I’m too much. I’m a bother. I’m broken. I’m selfish. I’m a control freak. I’m the problem

If you want to stay out of that spiral, name what you’re noticing in a way that doesn’t attack who you are.

I’m noticing a control strategy.
I’m noticing a peacekeeping strategy.
I’m noticing a busy strategy.
I’m noticing a hiding strategy.
I’m noticing a proving strategy.

That tiny shift keeps you in curiosity instead of judgement. And curiosity is where change actually starts.

One question makes the pattern obvious.

What is this trying to protect me from?

Sometimes it’s protecting you from conflict. Sometimes it’s protecting you from being judged. Sometimes it’s protecting you from feeling like a failure. Sometimes it’s protecting you from being fully seen. Sometimes it’s protecting you from disappointing people.

Patterns are protective. That’s why they’re sticky.

The cost test is where you get honest.

What is this actually costing me these days?

Energy. Connection. Sleep. Joy. Patience. Self trust. Clarity. Time.

Not because the pattern is bad, but it might be outdated. It worked in an old season. Now it leaks in this one.

Future you will be crystal clear about this.

Imagine older you looking back on life.

What would she wish you stopped doing?

I wish I stopped caring so much what people thought.
I wish I stopped trying to keep everyone happy.
I wish I stopped proving myself.
I wish I stopped running on scraps.
I wish I stopped waiting for the permission slip.

That older version of you won’t be impressed by how much you held together. She’ll be highlighting the moments you backed yourself, even when it meant going against the grain.

What was the scenario, and what was the strategy?

Because once you can see it, you can change it. And that’s where growth, personal power, freedom, and agency live.

If you want to decode your patterns properly, you don’t have to do it alone.

If you read this and thought, ah yep, I can see myself in that, the next step isn’t forcing or fast fixes. The next step is learning how to decode your patterns in real time, with support.

That’s exactly what we do inside my world, and I’ve got a 3 Day Deep Dive coming up.

This isn’t a retreat. It’s time dedicated purely to you. A practical, grounded and personalised reset where you get out of your usual environment, slow it right down and get an opportunity to see what’s in the drivers seat.

We look at the patterns, the self concept and the default settings you’ve been running for years without realising it.

The best part is you get to see it in real time, without judgement. Not to “fix” you. Just to understand yourself properly, making you the priority and make cleaner choices from here.

If you’re curious, you can book a quick 15 minute chat to see if it’s the right fit for where you’re at right now, or message me the word DEEP DIVE and I’ll send you the details.